Changing What I Don’t Like About Myself

She’s got a coffee in hand so obviously she wants to stay longer but her car keys are also in her hand so maybe I should wrap up this conversation and set her free except if she wants to keep talking and stay in this conversation, then I’m up for that too except now she’s glanced over my shoulder and yep, she wants out. I’m sure of it.

“So how long have you been here?” she asks.

A normal person would give the big picture. Three months but also moved down here from Massachusetts for a job. Went to college in England. It’s been great so far, however, the heat is getting to me.

“Three months,” I answer and wait/hopes she asks for more details.

When you get out of your comfort zone, all these insecurities that you didn’t realize you had surface. It’s like you go into survivor mode.

For me, I get hyper-aware in conversations. This person is not finding my story interesting. I’m talking too much. I can’t contribute anything interesting to this topic. Oh, the curse of being a people-pleaser. I take it for granted when I have friends who I already trust are interested in listening to me.

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Photo Credit: Mingyue Yuan

Lately, I’ve been getting sick of this “hyper-awareness.” I want to change myself. It’s not the first time I’ve felt this way.

A few years ago, I created a Gatsby-like self-improvement list. It was when I felt like a “bad Christian” and wanted to get more spiritual-like.

The list went like this:

  1. Pray sitting up—because oftentimes I would crawl into bed and pray myself to sleep
  2. Do the Bible In One Year app, binge-watch The Bible Project, and take notes during sermons—because I did NOT know the Bible very well. Sodom and Gomorrah who? (Don’t answer that.)
  3. Drink a minimum of 1 serving of alcohol a day—because that rule never hurt anyone
  4. Become more evangelical and mission-minded (somehow)

I know God truly cares about the heart. But this was a way to trim at the hedges encroaching on my path to being a better Christian. I recognized the bits and pieces in me that I didn’t like and I formulated actions to help change that.

Now that I’m uncovering these insecurities of mine—like craving the feeling of being needed (read here) and now scrabbling to be an interesting person with interesting things to say or else opting out of saying anything at all—I’m looking for ways to change myself. Improve myself.

Talk more. Open up more. Be okay with not being asked for. Stand on my own two feet.

However, it’s SO hard to change. It feels near impossible to reprogram myself. It’s one thing to reshape the basics of my spirituality. It’s another thing to totally redesign my personality. Only God can do that kind of deep-rooted change. I fall back into how I naturally am.

This is why I need to get out of my comfort zone. I discover these things that I want to change about myself and I have to trust that God will “do the improving.” When I’m feeling frustrated with myself, when I just wish I could be a different way, maybe more mature and less insecure, I can relax in knowing that it’s all in God’s hands. He’s central to my growth as a person.

Anyway, I’m going to stop right there. I see your eyes drifting…

BIG love,

Rachel

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